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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27559378">Don't hurt youself please</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ays_0/pseuds/ays_0'>ays_0</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Depression, F/F, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, mix of differents soulmates AU, well maybe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:14:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27559378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ays_0/pseuds/ays_0</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Soulmates can declare themselves at any time in our lives, but often when we are young. </p><p>As long as they don't meet each other, they feel what the other feels. </p><p>Hilda didn't think she would discover her soul mate at a party, half-drunk. </p><p>Marianne, who doesn't want to try anymore, discovers her soul mate, the only reason for her to live.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>        Hilda learns about her soul mate at the age of 19, she is at a party organized by the university. Everything moves around her, bottles are passed from hand to hand and she spends the evening taxing cigarettes at Dorothea, even though she never smokes. She is joyful and almost drunk until a horrible pain is felt on her wrist. </p><p>      All her energy falls away, and her brain fills up with dark thoughts, on her wrist she sees drops of blood slipping off. Red blood, still warm blood, it's not wine, no it's blood. A few before it disappears and she feels a slight tingling like alcohol, alcohol that she could drink now but not now. All this happens in about ten seconds, but it's enough for her to have fallen to the floor and half the room is turned towards her.</p><p>      She feels so sad that tears form in her eyes. She starts crying and can't stop; Hilda Valentine Goneril cries, something that never happened in her entire life except for the time when Holst played a trick on her by hiding her favourite teddy bear when she was four years old. </p><p>         She is not conscious enough to see Claude daring to make his way through the crowd and lift her up. She's still in shock and doesn't understand exactly what he's telling her except that they're going home, deep inside her is a sadness she's never felt before. </p><p>         This is how Hilda discovered the existence of her soul mate. </p><p> </p><p>----------</p><p> </p><p>      Marianne did not think that the goddess would ever grant her a soul mate. She will be 19 years old and entered the prestigious Garrech Mach University the year before. Yet she still doesn't feel legitimate, surrounded by people far more gifted than her. She thought that by leaving her home in Derdriu, her life would change and that maybe then she could see the light of life she had heard so much about. She had been promised a better life as a free student and away from her father's authority. </p><p>      However, reality caught up with her and her anxieties did not get better, they got worse away from home. She could no longer even go to the ranch near her home to see her best friend a horse: Dorte. Instead, she now has a cat of the same name who like a cat spends her time sleeping and sometimes waking her mistress.</p><p> Her social phobia was manifested on several occasions, even in the presence of Ingrid. Even though her teachers recognized her as a good student, she found it hard to accept her and the world seemed constantly black, sometimes with a few shades of grey when she spent time with Ingrid or Leonie: both passionate about horses and horseback riding like her. </p><p>         So that evening, considering that she had nothing to lose, she took the scalpel she had retrieved from her biology room and conscientiously began to open the veins in her left wrist. All her life she had been clumsy, but for this act, it seemed as if it had been taken away from her. She could have taken medication, fallen asleep without realizing it forever. She weighed the pros and cons and did not consider that she had the right to leave in peace.</p><p>      She feels her skin open, then a drop appears on the surface, then two, three... </p><p>      What stops her all of a sudden is a pain she feels, not the pain of her open skin and the blood that flows, but another one. She feels as if a voice is screaming in her head and she is in agony. Panicking, she runs to her bathroom, looks for the disinfectant and spills it on her wound. She pours the product without bothering to put it on a handkerchief first. The voice in her head calms down, she doesn't even want to try anything anymore. </p><p>      She wonders what could have happened before she understands. Ingrid had told her that she had already felt Sylvain's feelings and that it was particularly horrible. It's like a flash in her mind: she has a soul mate and she felt the pain she was inflicting on herself. The goddess decided to stop him from disappearing by giving him a soul mate. And hurt her because that's all Marianne is capable of doing. She always ends up hurting the people around her. </p><p>      Who would want he?  even her soul mate? </p><p> </p><p>---------</p><p> </p><p>        Hilda opens her eyes, she is in bed. Her forehead wrinkles: wasn't she in the evening last night? She doesn't remember coming home, yet it's her bed with its pillows and its enormous fuchsia pink plaid. As she stands up, she leans on her wrist and moans, it hurts her and there she remembers. </p><p>      She has a soul mate and this one is suffering. </p><p>         She caresses her wrist where there is now a strip of fabric that protects the injured area. The memory of the pain comes back and Hilda tries to chase it away, she doesn't want to remember it. She tries to focus on the aftertaste of vodka and ice in her throat. Not that she wants to erase it from her life, but she still hasn't recovered from yesterday. Hilda has never had anything in her life that would make her feel particularly bad right now her life seemed like a long, quiet river. </p><p>      She grumbles, it is anything but pleasant, but above all, she never thought she would have a soul mate. Many people don't have one, many decide they won't go looking for her or give up this destiny for another love. </p><p>      A million questions turn in her head and she starts screaming into her pillows. It's like she's one of his dumb teens on a teen series who realizes they're falling in love with the mysterious stranger they met the night before at a party when they were drunk and did something stupid in front of him. And Hilda is anything but that, she's a normal student, even though she's a party girl, she always ends up turning in her work on time thanks to the many sleepless nights she's able to keep.</p><p>      Then the door of her room opens, and a ray of light comes to illuminate it. She grunts again in her pillow as a shadow comes closer to her. Shit, Claude... Not that she doesn't love him, but rather that he always meddles in what doesn't concern him. Always fetching while he gives nothing in return. Hilda is one of the people who know him the most had managed to get some information since they met last year. She knows in particular that he is in exchange, he is a foreigner and Claude is not even his real name. Apart from that, there's still a real mystery and Hilda accepts that it's not as if she herself has anything to hide.</p><p>      She moves aside a little to give him room to sit while she sits slumped on her pile of cushions. He sits against the wall after opening his curtains. Hilda squints in front of so much light, it must be 11 o'clock. He has a cup of coffee in each hand and passes her one. Despite last night's evening, he seems in perfect shape and she curses his lack of dark circles. </p><p>         « pretty drunk yesterday ? "he says to her jokingly. </p><p>         She answers only with a grunt.</p><p>         "Apparently you were so drunk that you spilt your drink and cut yourself with a splinter and then just waited on the floor for someone to come and help you. Alcohol can have some pretty scary consequences," he continues. </p><p>      Hilda doesn't know what to think about other than slapping him or pouring his still full cup of coffee in his face. She changes her mind, she's too tired for the slap, and she doesn't want to change her sheets because of a coffee toss the day after a so-called bender.</p><p>      She rolls her eyes, she knows that he understands because of the time they have spent together in a little over a year. Besides, Claude has some experience in this area. </p><p>      "Stop making me go around in circles, I know you've understood," she manages to formulate. She doesn't even know if what she just said is actually understandable and goes back to drinking her coffee. She probably still looks like one of her teenagers sulking in bed after fighting with her parents. </p><p>      Claude seems surprised for a moment and then his smile comes back on her face, a smile that means nothing and says it all at once. He puts his hand on his own. </p><p>      "If you need to talk, tell me. You know, with Mitri I had a bit of the same thing...".</p><p>       On this point he is not wrong, she remembers seeing him rolled around in a ball on their couch with black thoughts in his head for days. She hoped that he would find his soul mate quickly and fortunately he did. She doesn't know exactly what was wrong with Dimitri but with Claude, everything seems to be going well.</p><p>        "Yeah, but without the suicide attempts...". Hilda knows that he didn't have any attempts but that he felt the soft version of what seems to be a post-traumatic syndrome... Deep down she doesn't know what to think anymore, too much has happened. "And then I didn't think it would ever happen to me...". She meets Claude's face, which is comforting, she squeezes her hand around his. She's just desperate because she doesn't know how to accept this news, it's not like she's going to die but now her life is linked to someone she's going to have to find. </p><p>         "Is Hilda Valentine Goneril desperate because she is going to try to find her soul mate and it is too tiring for the delicate flower that she is? </p><p>      They both start laughing at the same time. She has the impression that she hasn't laughed for several weeks, whereas the last time was less than twenty-four hours ago when her blood was still full of alcohol. They know that he's talking nonsense and that he's taking up one of his excuses for never wearing anything when they organize outings with their friends, preferring to let Leonie carry her share, which the girl does as a training exercise. At these moments they know why they are best friends. <br/>
`<br/>
      "Be careful, I always have coffee in my cup," she threatens him, showing him her cup.</p><p>      Claude looks at her amused, she smells the bad blow. "Me too, and we're on your bed".</p><p>       Shit</p><p><br/>
------- </p><p> </p><p>        When she wakes up, Marianne feels like vomiting. She feels like she has been drinking hard liquor and coffee at the same time. She doesn't like spirits like vodka and whisky, seeing them coupled with coffee, which she only takes to get through her days after insomnia. To conclude, she definitely feels like vomiting.</p><p>       She decides to take it upon herself, her soul mate was probably out last night. She had to spoil it for him so she can't say anything and accept her somewhat dubious tastes. She tries to be as discreet as possible so as not to change her life, she doesn't want to disturb the person who is supposed to love her more than anything. After all, she may be delirious on her own. And then considering what she did yesterday, she can't say anything, she must be hated now. </p><p>      Marianne gets up, she goes straight to the bathroom to fix her hair. Her blue curls go all over the place and like every morning, she braids them one by one to finish with a braid crown. She sighs, strands are still missing, especially along her face. Between that and her dark circles under her eyes that literally melts her like a zombie, she doesn't understand what could please someone. Her father always tells her that if she made a little more effort, a crowd of people would be at her feet. </p><p>      She puts cream on her face before she realizes that being Saturday, she probably won't go out except for shopping, so she has no interest in being presentable. She puts a bandage on her wrist and goes to her wardrobe, which has a very bad name according to her because no dresses are present since she left her house. She grabs a pair of wide jeans, a t-shirt commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Leicester Alliance and retrieves her black shirt from her bed. If the weather isn't awful for October, she prefers to hide her wrist rather than face questions from passers-by. </p><p>      She quickly scribbles down a shopping list that seems quite correct to her, being a vegetarian anyway it quickly shortens her to what is edible. She picks up a bag and goes out, the store is five minutes away from where she lives. Her apartment is in the student district if that is said, Garrech Mach is essentially a university town and is recognized all over the continent. Older people are therefore scarce, and here students from all over the world meet each other without having to fight because of their origins even though most of them come from Leicester, Faerghus and Adrestia. </p><p>      As always, shopping is nothing exciting but almost disgusting, especially when it passes in front of the windows filled with pieces of meat. She sees the pieces of flesh filled with blood, she looks like that inside her. Her urge to vomit takes over again and tries to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Maybe it's not the meat or the coffee but rather that her soul mate is hungover.</p><p>      She goes to the cashier, the cashier knows her well now and she even knows her first name even though she doesn't remember ever saying it to her. At the last moment, Marianne gets a pack of strawberry gum, the mint was too strong for her. She goes home, puts away her groceries. A banal Saturday likes the ones she's had for the past year if we forget the fact that she now knows she has a soul mate. She tells herself that she should know a little more and opens her computer to do some research. </p><p>      She searches as if she had an unknown disease and that the Internet would save her, often these sites are more anxious than anything else; being in medicine she knows it. She comes across many articles from lovers explaining how they had found their soul mate and how happy they were. That finding her can take several months or even years for some. That despite a soul mate you could decide not to spend your life with them and Marianne thinks that it would surely be best for the person who was related to her. </p><p>         Depressed by her research, she quickly checks her mailbox and sees that Professor Essar will not be there to give his lecture on Monday and that this leaves her time to sleep more. That is, if she can do it under the circumstances. </p><p>         Deep down she thinks she's delirious, it's just her mind trying to keep her alive, a kind of survival instinct as her father would say. They must have existed for her to have survived but they didn't. The mind is after all capable of inventing many things to help people overcome their problems. Marianne regrets the psychologist who followed her in high school, even if it seems necessary, she now refuses to go bothering someone when in fact she is still the same person. She needs to take her mind off things. </p><p>      She sits down at the back of her couch and starts reading a book for a course common to all the students of her year, given by Professor Eisner, a person unknown to all the students but whose lectures were interesting enough to keep the amphitheatre full at all times. The book is not incredibly exciting, many subjects confront each other: history, philosophy... At the same time to make a course that can interest all the students is not an easy task given the diversity of the options. She doesn't know how many times the professor has to do this course to see his whole year. </p><p>      As she reads, she suddenly feels a pain in her arm, it feels like a liquid burning her skin. Her brain fills up with the smell of coffee, one part of her can't stand the smell and the other part feels less lonely. She feels another burn along with her fingers but no marks form. The coffee must be more than lukewarm. It comforts her that her soul mate is so clumsy and forgives her for her high caffeine intake. </p><p>         Marianne had doubts but after all her feelings while she was alone on her couch; now she is sure what is going on. The goddess has indeed given her a soul mate. She picks up her phone and sends a text message to the only person she feels able to talk about it.  </p><p><br/>
<em>Ingrid, I think I could have a soul mate.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Marianne arrives early for their appointment. She waits for Ingrid on one of the benches in the university park. It's under a bench and it's kind of where they always meet. So when Ingrid told her that they would meet at 9 am on Monday in the place of their missing class, Marianne knew where she had to go. </p><p> The park is quiet, normal for a Monday morning; the students are trying to recuperate the hours of sleep they lost over the weekend. She watches the birds singing on the branches.</p><p> In the distance, she sees Ingrid arriving half out of breath. In spite of this, she still has her long blonde braid in her hair. Marianne recognizes the sweater she's wearing, it's probably her aka soul mate's: Sylvain. Ingrid comes and sits right next to her. If she hasn't bothered him during the weekend, her eyes definitely sparkle. She sees the stars in his eyes. Ingrid takes his hands and there she knows that she won't be quiet for a long time. </p><p> "So? how did you know?" she asks him.</p><p> "I...uh...well..."  Marianne shows him her wrist with her bandage and Ingrid understands as early as that. Marianne has told her about many things, and Ingrid knows that she has already tried it once. She sees the panic in her eyes, she feels her fingers hugging hers. Words are hard to come out. She inspires, concentrates, and puts her ideas back in place.</p><p> "I felt the pain I passed on to her," she frowns. "And then the next day... I had a taste of vodka in my mouth and you know that... "</p><p> "You don't like alcohol," the Ingrid cup.</p><p> They look at each other for a few moments. Around them, there are only birds and plants and in the distance there is laughter. A kind of tension is there, but there is no reason for it. Marianne resumes, trying to keep her voice as calm as possible. </p><p>"I still hurt her... She's not lucky she ran into me," she says. "How did you know? "Marianne asks with her eyes in the void. </p><p> Ingrid sighs: "It wasn't very hard, when Sylvain was beaten up by his brother, we'll say that we felt him passing by". </p><p> "Excuse me", Marianne hastens to say. She didn't think it was something so serious. Ingrid had never let anything show through except the day she literally came to class with a hand mark on her cheek. Later she had known that Sylvain had been slapped by an ex-girlfriend, and Ingrid had apparently given it back to him. However to Ingrid's face, she understands that the pain was still limited, the soul mate didn't feel everything that relieved her thinking about hers. Perhaps she could then forgive her one day, her cheeks are filled with the idea.</p><p> "Don't worry, her brother is crazy and we know it. Let's get back to you instead..." she replied. "You know if there's more between you, I know some of you have more connections...maybe you could try to find out..." she paused before resuming.  </p><p>"Because someone who parties on Saturday night is going to be hard to find here. Marianne crosses her eyes and they briefly start laughing, she had thought about it and it was said that it was a lost cause. The joy quickly turns into embarrassment again for Marianne. </p><p> "I haven't tried anything since then...I'm too afraid to bother her...you know I'm afraid she might not like me in the end". Indeed, she thinks it would be easier to ignore everything, not to look for it; many people have lived very happily without meeting their soul mate so she doesn't worry about hers. However, deep down, she feels the desire to meet her, just once to tell herself that what she feels is true. To cross her eyes, to take her in her arms, just once...</p><p> Ingrid takes her in her arms. Her hugs are always so comforting and Marianne buries her head in her shoulder and starts to cry. She is so afraid of disappointing her soul mate and then will she ever find her? They're both right unless they search desperately there's no chance.<br/>
"Don't say that, if you have one then she will love you. Ingrid rubs circles on her back, it's quite comforting, although that's what we usually do to children, Marianne thinks. </p><p> Marianne feels lucky to have a friend like Ingrid, especially in these times. In Derdriu she had spent all of her schooling alone so now the few people she knew were a blessing. At first, she just couldn't talk to them and then over time she finally decided that it was best that she didn't approach anyone for them and for herself. Ingrid stands up and offers her hand.</p><p> "How would you like to go to eat? »</p><p> Marianne nods her head, she sees in her face that Ingrid must be starving right now, she has never seen anyone who ate so much. Putting aside the last tears that had fallen, she takes Ingrid's hand and stands up.</p><p> Eating is always comforting from what Ingrid spends her time telling her, and she is willing to believe it because right now she needs it.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
Hilda is bored to death during her lecture. Next to her, Claude is no more studious, he spends his time sending SMS messages, as dumb as he seems to be, he is a romantic at heart which makes her laugh. He who says he's ready to do anything to get what he wants is basically a marshmallow bear. </p><p> Hilda tries to distract him, she sends him a pen but it doesn't work. Unfortunately, he falls on the ground and has to pick it up. She ends up tapping him on the shoulder so that he realizes that she wants to talk to him. She allows herself to do so because she knows that they are at the back of the amphitheatre and that despite everything he is silent even when he is surprised, which always disturbs her a little. </p><p> "You don't have anything else to do like trying to find your soul mate," he says to her in a mocking tone. </p><p> At this point, she wonders why she asked him to speak. She runs her head into his arms and sighs. He's right, she should be looking, only she doesn't have any fucking clues. Maybe she should go and see the psychologist at the university, Professor Cassandra, but she won't tell him anything that will help her anyway, because she can't do that anyway, because she smells of alcohol 24 hours a day. </p><p> Why go to Depression Anonymous while you're at it, but no one will want to talk to her, of course. Why couldn't she get her idiots who meet their soul mates by bumping into each other like idiots in the park.</p><p>She hears Claude calling her, but she doesn't want to listen to him, she feels totally lost because she is so eager to find her soul mate. For the first time, she really wants to help someone. She wants to find her and make her happy but at the moment she has no chance to find her unless Sothis helps her. But Hilda has always been a poor believer, always pretending at the end of the year celebrations, in short, the goddess will never want to help her and must be laughing at her right now.</p><p>Claude's voice horrifies her more and more and decides to listen to her. </p><p>Said, "You're so bored that you draw flowers on your hand, isn't that a bit childish?"</p><p> Flowers? She never draws on her hands, she usually twists her hair, braids it, redoes it, but her hands... She looks at them and understands why Claude hasn't let her go. On her hand are two little flowers that look like anemones, her favourite flowers. Technically, they are rather on his wrist, at the intersection between his arm and his hand. Blue, the opposite of her always in pink and red. </p><p>"Shit..." she says bewildered. </p><p>"You can say it..." Claude answers her, who takes her hand to look. " I've never seen that before "</p><p>Hilda hastens to get her arm back "As if you had already seen many soul mates...".</p><p>"I want to tell you that..."</p><p>Hilda does not listen to the end of her sentence, so she hastens to take her pen, then left behind previously, and writes her name on her hand in capital letters: HILDA. She is desperately waiting for an answer - something that will tell her that she is not crazy. She doesn't even hear Professor Cichol's lecture any more, she only thinks about the person who is related to her. She tells herself that she will be able to meet her soon if that's what she thinks.</p><p>Only no answers. Even Claude, who pretends not to look, takes a look several times during the rest of the class. At least they're crazy together.</p><p>The minutes slowly lengthen and the end of the class comes. Putting his things away quickly. Hilda or laziness itself has never put them so quickly in her bag, at this point she would even use the verb "to throw". She still hopes but faces a void, nothing has changed, she decides to go to the toilet to wash her hands. </p><p>If her name starts quickly from the back of her hand it is not the case of the rest. He rubs so hard that she feels like she is going to crush her hands, she is so concentrated that she frightens the girl with purple hair at her sides. However, the flowers don't disappear, just her name. There is only a pale rose spot left on her hand where it used to be. </p><p>At this moment she is totally lost. What should she do? Should she rub harder? Her brain gets lost in many options such as rolling in a ball on the floor, moaning, screaming... They are all as far-fetched as they are ineffective.</p><p>She ends up joining Claude who is talking with Lorenz and Lysithea. She goes down the edge of her jacket, they don't need to know. She tells them that she went to wash her hands and that now they are nickels, she hopes that it will pass because far from stupid; she certainly doesn't measure up to the three of them.</p><p>The flowers stay on her hand for a long time, they see them all day long but eventually, they disappear and she surely doesn't pay attention when she listens to the argument between the three of them while they are at the library. </p><p>Instead, there is a name, written in blue ink a little shaky, she manages to read it.</p><p>It says "Marianne". </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter is a really short but I just got out of my exams and it killed me so hope you still enjoy. In any case this chapter would not have been really long. </p><p>And if you're wondering, yes, Claude and Hilda are just kids playing with their coffee.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been a week since she saw her name, a week and no news ... Marianne thinks. She can only think about that name so much that she is starting to forget the names of the people around her.</p>
<p>She finally decides to do something about it. It's Sunday morning, she goes to see Claude who is still sleeping. He grumbles when he hears her but agrees to get up.</p>
<p>They meet in the dining room or rather their living room. She waits for him at the counter with a cup of hot coffee. Claude emerges, finally still in his boxer shorts but with a GMU t-shirt on top. Not that he is unpleasant to look at but just that she wants to have a discussion that seems to be about serious. Although the idea of having a serious discussion seems silly between him and her. </p>
<p>They look at each other for a few moments before Hilda confesses to him, "I have his name".</p>
<p>A white guy... Maybe he's still too tired for that. Then she sees a smile forming on his lips. It usually smells bad when he has that kind of smile. She remembers the Halloween when they almost got killed by Seteth and Hubert at the same time because of his bad jokes.</p>
<p>"Finally! I thought you would never tell me".</p>
<p>Hilda sees blurry. "What?". She almost chokes on her coffee. </p>
<p>"Not very discreet in the library. And for the next three hours."</p>
<p>"Rhhhaaa" she shouts as she stands up and slaps him on the back. She had thought she had done her best and that they were too focused on their homework to look at her. She just wants to take her frustration out on him, and it makes him laugh. Of course, Claude laughs because he is Claude and she curses herself for being friends with someone like him.</p>
<p>A few minutes go by, Hilda is still pouting. </p>
<p>Claude asks her "So what's the plan?" as she recovers from her laughter. </p>
<p>"I don't know how to distribute leaflets all over the country" she sighs. Technically, she doesn't even know if she is in the same country. Claude comes from somewhere else, after all, although his name seems to come from the country.</p>
<p>Marianne...Marianne... In which region do you call your child that?</p>
<p>She is brought back to reality by Claude who snaps his fingers in front of her face. "Marianne" she sighed. "Her name is Marianne."</p>
<p>Claude looks at her, he seems to be thinking as if he was mentally circling all the people he knew and their acquaintances... But apparently, nothing comes to his mind.</p>
<p>"Do you want me to steal Seteth's archives to see if she doesn't study here?"</p>
<p>"I know you just want to do it and it has nothing to do with my problem" she answers him ironically.</p>
<p>"I do what I can listen to." He says, raising his arms in a theatrical way. "I don't really know if this name has any particular origin but in Leicester they give it quite a lot, don't they?"</p>
<p>"Well, perhaps..." Hilda tries to remember where she had or saw that name. Once in a story, Holst had read to her; there was Marianne, a princess waiting for Prince Charming.</p>
<p>She sighs and wonders if she's not just going to drop everything. At that moment, she sees Claude grabbing a pen on their coffee table and he starts writing something on her arm without asking her.</p>
<p>"Don't mark something stupid!" she shouts as she tries to get her arm back. He would be sure to write one of his lame jokes like "fear the dear" that followed them through their entire first year. All this because he had explained to Edelgard and Dimitri that a deer is much scarier than a lion or an eagle. They had all let him do...</p>
<p>When she looks at what he has scored, there is only a "Hello" and she sighs with relief.</p>
<p>"You thought I was going to ruin your one chance at a love life," he says with a big smile.</p>
<p>Asshole she thinks.</p>
<p>Her fingers itch. A new cup of coffee will surely fly and so will the contents. </p>
<p>------------------------------------</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Marianne is alone when her soul mate writes to her. She realizes this because she is doing her dishes. The price for her apartment is quite correct and close to the campus is to give up a washing machine.</p>
<p>She hesitates to answer. Also, the writing doesn't seem the same, it is much less clean. In fact, it looks a lot more like a child's handwriting with all the loops made without fault. Hilda seemed to have more typed handwriting.</p>
<p>She wonders if it is a friend who is playing a joke on her. She finishes wiping the last glasses and goes to her desk to get a black marker.</p>
<p>"Hi," she answers.</p>
<p>She doesn't have to wait long to get an answer, believing that on the other side she hasn't let go of her arm. </p>
<p>"Are you feeling better?" </p>
<p>Marianne freezes. The writing is again the same as she saw the first time. The beautiful handwriting... but above all the question, terrifies her. This girl doesn't hold a grudge? Shouldn't she rather blame her? She hears her heartbeat in her temples. She starts to stress.</p>
<p>She looks at her phone, a few minutes have just gone by, yet it feels like hours.</p>
<p>"Yes, thank you again, sorry" she answers, taking care to write as much as possible on her wrist.</p>
<p>"So much the better" answers the person on the other side. She seems totally relaxed as if nothing has happened besides talking to a stranger.</p>
<p>"You're not mad at me?" she asks.</p>
<p>"Of course not, baby. I'm the one who should be sorry for the hangover ahah". She recalls the taste of the alcohol in her mouth before thinking of the taste of the coffee that followed. </p>
<p>She reads and rereads what she wrote over and over again. She just called herself Baby... and how can she compare that to slitting her wrists. It's absolutely not the same thing!  It has nothing in common. Marianne's brain is overflowing at the sight of all these words written on her arm without logic as if someone drunk had started writing a surrealist play on it.</p>
<p>"It's not a good idea to know me" she ends up writing.</p>
<p>She doesn't want Hilda to find out who she really is. Not as if she seemed normal, this discussion should not take place. They're not old friends, they don't know each other.</p>
<p>The "they" resonate in her head. Her soul mate is a woman, she has long since accepted that she can be, but it still hurts her to think back to what her family says. It's a double no then. She shouldn't get more involved, even if deep down she wants to. Only she will inevitably ask her out and then she will see who Marianne really is.</p>
<p>If soul mates are supposed to love each other for life sometimes it fails and Marianne knows that she is the kind of person to make what normally seems inevitable fail. As time goes by, the bonds between soul mates that are not found become more and more tenuous and eventually disappear. </p>
<p>All of a sudden she is out of her mind with her phone ringing on her desk. She looks at who is calling her, it is Ingrid. She picks it up.</p>
<p>"Are you ready? Don't tell me you forgot?" She hears Ingrid ask her.<br/>"No, I haven't forgotten, I'm getting ready," she thinks wrong. She quickly goes to her room and opens her wardrobe (which actually contains very little) to find something decent to wear.</p>
<p>"OK perfect! Thanks again for coming, it's a real pleasure!!!"</p>
<p>"See you later Ingrid" and the call is over. Marianne didn't want to come at first but when she sees how happy it makes her friend, she thinks it's worth it. If she had a real phobia in high school it's a little better and she is now able to go to a party.</p>
<p>She chooses a skirt which arrives at her a little below the knees, a long black shirt in case the person on the other side does not want to erase what she wrote and takes a thin bracelet that Ingrid had offered to her for her birthday in November.</p>
<p>She quickly goes to her mirror to check how her hair is holding up and starts cleaning her arm when she sees a "Why" that wasn't there but decides to ignore it and finishes washing her arm where she can.</p>
<p> She finally puts on her pair of platform shoes, her scarf and her long coat and embarks on the challenge of her evening.</p>
<p>---------------</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hilda says nothing when Claude drags her to a birthday party where she is not even invited. Sylvain's gaping smile almost makes her almost regret coming. But at the same time, she can't blame him for being happy to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday after all the crap he's had.</p>
<p>	When Marianne answered him and finally erased all his answers, Hilda felt at the bottom of the hole. She was rejected that's how she felt, she hoped deep down that her soul mate would answer her again. Claude saw her at the bottom of their couch mumbling and decided to take her mind off it by dragging her to Ingrid's birthday party. </p>
<p>	And since it's a party, she dressed as if she was going to the party. Short skirt, t-shirt quite as short, she even managed to make up herself thanks to the help of Claude who makes up more than what we think. After all, he is friends with Sylvain, the person who has lipstick in his pockets if we look well. </p>
<p>	The way between their house and the evening is not very long and as soon as Claude arrives, he will bother Felix because... No reason, in fact, it's just a sport he apparently likes to practice until Dimitri comes and stops him. Hilda sighs and goes towards the people or rather the bottles of alcohol. Mercedes, despite her perfect saintly appearance, is a queen of whiskey and coke and Hilda doesn't deprive herself.</p>
<p>She meets Dorothea, talks for a relatively long time before she meets Ingrid and apologizes for her intrusion. And in fact, she doesn't seem to care at all, so she resumes her discussion with Dorothea, who will soon be on trial at the city opera house.  </p>
<p>Hilda tries to get busy and forget what happened this morning. Forget that Marianne doesn't want to talk to her. Has she been too direct? Too confident? Just lousy...</p>
<p>Usually, she is always happy at these kinds of parties, but since the last one, she has been to. The day she found out about Marianne, she hasn't been able to enjoy it. She doesn't understand how they can all be happy, and then her behaviour disgusts her. She walks away from the living room and goes to the kitchen. </p>
<p>She crosses the hall and thinks that Dimitri must have money to own such an apartment while they are students. It's not even a fraternity-like she thought it was at first. </p>
<p>When she enters the kitchen, another person is already there. It is a rather tall girl, her sea-blue hair is knotted in a multitude of braids that she doesn't understand how it works. She wears a navy blue shirt rather ample but which let's guess her curves as well as a black skirt. Between her fingers is a cigarette that has barely been opened. </p>
<p>If Hilda did not want to die because of this morning, she would have said that the girl was frankly cute despite the dark circles under her eyes. She seemed to gaze at the ground as if the rest of the world did not exist. </p>
<p>"Hey," she said. Hilda could hear the trembling and dejection in the voice of the unknown. </p>
<p>"Hey! What are you doing here alone," she asked. </p>
<p>The girl turns to her surprised by his question. "I'm avoiding people, I think it shows, just like you, right?" Her voice is rather monotonous but reveals certain tiredness or perhaps lassitude. <br/>"How do you know pretty?"</p>
<p>"All the booze is thereafter all" she seems surprised when she says it. </p>
<p>"Argh" sighs Hilda. "You got me, I shouldn't even be here."</p>
<p>"Bad day I guess," the girl said to him. Since she's been here, she hasn't seen him touch his cigarette, it's gradually crumbling. She is more captivated by his thin fingers holding her rather than by the object itself. </p>
<p>"Yeah, say do you smoke?" </p>
<p>"No, but Leonie was too drunk, so I couldn't refuse. I just blew a blow or two."</p>
<p>Hilda laughs as she thinks of a girl who was trying to convince this quiet force to smoke although it went rather well with her look and posture. Hilda leans over to her and takes the cigarette from her fingers.</p>
<p>"You don't mind if I take this from you? And then you're too cute for that." </p>
<p>Hilda realizes only seconds later what she said and did. She took a stranger's cigarette and remembers the pressure between their fingers and the blue-haired girl's fingers dropping the cigarette. </p>
<p>Hilda must now be red as a tomato. She gets up and sits down on the counter across the way, she just wants to run away but doesn't do so surprisingly.</p>
<p>The girl in front of her starts laughing. It is so clear and at the same time discreet. </p>
<p>"Go ahead and laugh a bit harder," Hilda tells him as she starts to get a bit angry, probably due to the alcohol. </p>
<p>"Sorry, just the look on your face was funny" A silence hovers between the two. She tilts her head and has to admit that the girl is probably right, it's common for her to make a fool of herself. Her mood becomes a little less bad on contact. She almost forgets Marianne, but she ends up looking at her wrist and her smile disappears and the girl realizes it. </p>
<p>"Very bad day?"</p>
<p>"Yes, I'm getting dumped before I even ask for anything". She swings her head back. "I wish I could be with someone sometimes so I wouldn't have to look any more". She shoots the cigarette and does her best to release the smoke away from the girl's face. She doesn't pay attention, the cigarette slips out of her fingers and she burns her forearm. Nothing is definitely wrong.</p>
<p>"It must be nice but I don't think I'm the kind of person..." </p>
<p>She can't finish her sentence because Sylvain appears in the room a little too euphoric for both of them. </p>
<p>"Hilda you come for the drinking game !!!" Then he realizes that she is not alone in the kitchen, he looks at the other girl and makes a big smile. It seems that even when he's with someone he still has that flirty smile but the girl in front of him looks totally airtight.</p>
<p>"Oh, you're here, if you want to go home don't hesitate. Ingrid was already super happy that you came."</p>
<p>The girl gives him a smile and a nod. She looks at Hilda one last time and slips in between Sylvain and the door. She hears him talking to him to see if someone should take her home, to which she answers negatively.</p>
<p>Hilda is still like an idiot on a kitchen counter with a cigarette between her fingers. Except now she's thinking about that girl, do you have to find your soul mate to be happy? </p>
<p>"So shall we go?" he asks impatiently. </p>
<p>"Yeah!" answers Hilda. She doesn't want to ask him anything because she knows it's over for her, especially with Sylvain and a drinking game coming up.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It really took me a long time to get this chapter out. <br/>I'm not very good at writing but I would like to at least finish this story ^^'. </p>
<p>I hope you enjoyed it all the same</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>here is my humble contribution to this ship that I love so much. All this at two days of exams ahah<br/>I hope you liked it. I think I'll update in a week.</p><p>have a good week :)</p><p> </p><p>p.s: sorry for the possible mistakes I'm not a native English speaker. ^^'</p></blockquote></div></div>
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